


But Not Today

by sirknightmordred



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: Family Issues, Friendship, Gen, Love, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Child Abuse, Past Sexual Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-08
Updated: 2017-07-08
Packaged: 2018-11-29 08:04:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11436648
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sirknightmordred/pseuds/sirknightmordred
Summary: Isak will tell Even, about everything, but not today.





	But Not Today

**Author's Note:**

> Please take notice of the tags before reading.

_“I decided my life would be better without mentally ill people in it.”_  That was a lie. It wasn’t his mom or her condition that drove Isak out of his house, or maybe it was. It was certainly a piece, a part of why he moved away. But it wasn’t all of it, it wasn’t the whole puzzle. His mom did hit him, and throw things at him. She spoke crazy words and phrases, she believed in the end of the world that it was going to happen tomorrow. Sometimes she would get so riled up that she started knocking down everything in her sight. She would scream and yell so much it would cause tears to form in Isak’s eyes. She could sound so scary and so cruel, but Isak handled it. He could handle it.

 There would be times where all the screaming and angry channels in her head, as she called it, would calm down. They would slow or mute and she would be a little bit more normal. She could hold a steady conversation and cook Isak dinner. She would apologise for her behaviour, stating that she’s feeling better now. That it wouldn’t happen again. That she would go and get help. Isak used to believe in her words, because she did. She believed in her own words, but then again maybe that was the problem. Either way, Isak stopped believing in them even when she never did. She would get tired, she would need a nap and of course Isak would help her to bed. There she would sleep for nineteen to twenty seven hours straight, one record breaking time. She looked so peaceful and normal, that it was almost worth it to witness the terror she could create with her mind when she woke up, just to have those peaceful moments before. Isak remembers thinking and hoping that one day she wouldn’t wake up. That she would die. Because maybe then she wouldn’t be suffering, her mind wouldn’t be hurting her anymore.

 She used to lean on his father, on her husband for support and help in telling what was real and what wasn’t. What was crazy and what is true, but then he left. He never came back. He would send money and the occasional text Isak’s way, but that was it. He was gone. He took his younger sister. She was only six, he was only twelve. Isak hasn’t seen them since. He was left to take care of his mother. It lasted only three years, then he had to go. Those three years were awful, not entirely because of his mother, well not at all because of her… Okay, maybe just a little but not really. He met Eskild after that and he helped him become someone more.

 Isak blocked out those earlier memories, those painful ones full of confusion and a terror so deep he was left with nightmares long after. Even holds him when he wakes up screaming. He shushes him and calls him baby. He tells him everything’s going to be okay. He promises only kisses and hugs, sunshine and puppies. That they will get through it, minute by minute. It helps. It helps to only think of the next minute, but most nights he can’t scream. He can’t scream because that which resides deep in his fears won’t let him. So he wakes up in a cold sweat, terrified out of his mind. He’ll look over and see a sleeping peaceful Even. He doesn’t want to wake him so he goes for the spare blanket they keep in the closet by his side of the bed and a joint. It helps. The weight of a literal security blanket and the calming chemicals dancing in his brain. It helps.

 Eskild used to ask about his nightmares, before him, Jonas asked once or maybe twice, but he knew when to stop. Eskild really didn’t. Even on the other hand was a perfect combination of the two. He’d ask every two weeks maybe, then stop for a while. Isak likes it best when he stops. When he doesn’t ask anymore, even if a part of him likes the concern. Craves it even. It’s something he hasn’t had much of in his life. Even sometimes senses that, Isak thinks when they’re cuddling in bed and he’ll hold on just a little too tight. Or when after a particular rough love making session, one requested by Isak himself, when he’ll drift off, and eyes glazed and confused. Even will hold him close and remind him that he loves him. Isak tries to soak those words into his skin, sink in the love he’s trying to put into his head. He brands it into his bones. Making it a part of him, a piece of his puzzle. It’s a good piece. A favourite, really.

 Although Isak keeps his mouth shut and his feelings pushed down by enormous weights, sometimes they’ll come floating up. Bursting through his mouth in a vomit-like fashion. It’s gross and disgusting, especially when whoever’s around him will pick it up and eat it. Asking Isak if he’s okay. If he needs to talk, because what they just ingested is awful worse than usual vomit. Sometimes Isak wants to say what’s he’s thinking, something like that food was moldy then he ate it, but even if it was Even or Jonas, the people who know him best in the world, they wouldn’t understand his references. They wouldn’t understand him. They wouldn’t understand this. No one can.

 No one can understand how he sometimes hides in the bathroom, the door locked. How he has to hold himself together with his arms because he’s afraid of floating away like a balloon. They wouldn’t understand how some songs, mostly church hymns make him want to throw up or cry. How when someone touches him in a certain way he has to run to the bathroom and scrub down that spot over and over until he can’t feel it anymore. No one can understand how he sometimes remembers things and isn’t sure if they’re real memories or ones he made up. No one can understand him. Not really. But he loves those like Even, like Jonas who try their hardest too. He loves them, so much. He wouldn’t be making it each day without them.

 One day, Isak knows, Even or Jonas is going to ask him about it. They’ll ask and they won’t give up. They’ll need to know. They’ll need to know why he is the way he is. It will probably be Even. After all it’s not fair that he knows so much about Even, about the way he thinks and ticks to have Even know none of that about him. Even if Isak prefers it that way, this is a relationship after all. You have to give and take. Make sacrifices and compromises if you want it to work. And Isak does. So when Even does, when that day comes, Isak will tell him. But as of right now, he’s pretty confident that it- that is not going to happen for a very long time.

“Hurry up!” Even yells, startling Isak as he stares out their kitchen window, thinking about- well everything. “The movie’s about to start!”

 Isak looks up, his frown is replaced with a genuine smile at the anticipation of spending the next hour and a half snuggling up to the man he loves.

“I’m coming! Hold on!”

 Even smiles at him, and everything is right with the world. One day he’ll have to tell…

“What French movie are we watching today?” Isak asks as he grabs some of the popcorn on Even’s lap.

“You’ll love this one. Trust me.” Even replies.

 Isak smiles as he leans up, stealing a kiss. “I do.”

...But not today.


End file.
